I’ve felt more broken throughout my life than I can count. I have felt like I’ve hit rock bottom, to then actually hit rock bottom and realize those early struggles were just that; struggles.
I’ve taken for granted the family, friends, strangers who all tried to give me a hand and help me out of the darkness when they could sense I was drowning. But I rejected their help because how could they possibly know what I was going through, the thoughts in my head and how I was feeling day in a day out. I thought I needed to do everything alone but at the same time still lean on those closest to me in a unsupportive way. I wasn’t offering anything to these relationships for years because I was to focused on myself, my own pain and my own discomfort.
I hurt many people, not just myself, with my actions, my words, my self destructive behavior, my unreliableness, my terrible mood swings, my drunkenness, my opioid addiction, my sleepless nights, and countless other things.
Each one of those things alone can damage your character and I was doing all of those at once.
When I found out I had bipolar my life literally crashed around me. My parents couldn’t or didnt want to believe their daughter was bipolar and insisted there was something else wrong with me. I got tested for everything under the sun. Within 2 months of being diagnosed with bipolar I had my gallbladder removed and was diagnosed with a brain condition called Chiari Malformation 1.
So now not only being diagnosed with Bipolar, GAD, OCD, PTSD and panic disorder, I was now diagnosed with a brain condition that I believed based on what I read, could make me wake up paralyzed any day.
There is no wonder I went down the path I chose to go down. I let the doctors tell me who I was and what was wrong with me. I let them prescribe me different medications. I was on 8 different medications for just my mood disorders and that’s not even counting the medication they then put me on for my chiari which were 2 more medications.
I sucked at taking medications as many of us do. So somedays I would skip a dose or go to 2 days without, I would drink while I took these medications, I poped opioids when I took these medications. I did everything you are suppose to not doing when prescribed medications from the doctors.
Looking back Its hard to not realize that I did all of this to myself in a sense. If I had listened to the doctors more I probably wouldnt of gotten so deep into my struggles. If I would’ve gotten help after my traumatic event this all couldve probably been avoided. But I didn’t. I thought I could do everything alone and to this day I sometimes still catch myself in that mindset. Because no one can disappoint you if you dont let anyone in right?
Wrong. You wont have those supportive people who will make you feel grateful for their help when you truly need it. When you offer yourself to others in a present, caring, listening, and helping manner you become a different person to not just yourself but also to those people.
We are all human and we all crave human interactions; make sure the interactions you are having are supporting you and helping you in a someway. Whether it’s helping a friend who is struggling or being helped when you are struggling, listen to your heart in those moments and see how they make you feel. I promise by helping others you become more alive. By helping others you realize your struggles may not be as big as they are, or maybe you realize that your struggles were even bigger than you realized but you made it through and are okay.
Realize that everything that is brought to you in life is a lesson, you just need to be able to see what that lesson is a grow from that. It may be something that happened 10 years ago, but you are just understanding the lesson it taught you. There is no time frame on the lessons life teaches us. Be nice to yourself and try and observe your life through a different lense.
Just breathe. Everything is going to be okay.
With love, Krista
Authentically_Krista 