Is it mindset or is it the past catching up?

I fully believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that everything we do causes a reaction in the world. If we do something positive and with positive intention, it sends out good energy. If we do something bad or with bad intentions its putting out bad energy into the world. And whatever you put out into the world comes back to you, it may take days or years but it comes back. Essentially it’s what people call “Karma”.
I believe that it can take years for your life to even itself out to neutral grounds if that makes sense…if you were once “bad” it takes years for those consequences to play out but by living more intentially and by facing your past mistake life becomes easier and starts to work more in your favor. The better you are, the better your life becomes!

Which brings me to my current predicament. Out of the last 5 weeks or so this has been the week that’s made me question myself, my intentions, motives and thoughts the most. I fully believe what you think about determines your day and/or life.
But just because I believe that to be true doesn’t mean I don’t still fall into the negative trap of my own mind. And holy cow has my mind tried to go down the negative rabbit hole this week.

This week I’ve been experiencing heart palpitations and my heartbeat has been jumping up really high when I’m laying down for no reason at all. The heart palpitations and rapid heart beat has been going on for some time on and off but I’ve been doing some life changes that I thought would help decrease them. For example I thought smoking weed was making my heart beat very rapid but honestly I’m not so sure I’m convinced of that now. It’s been 9 days since I’ve consumed preworkout and any other caffeine besides my cup of coffee in the morning. I quit smoking (for the 100th time but the last time!) a month ago, I started working out again a month ago, started hot yoga almost 2 weeks ago, and I started meditating daily a month ago. I assumed by making these life changes, life would be better. And dont get me wrong it super is!!! I feel better than I have in literally YEARS! But there’s still part of me that wonders if I’m doing this to myself.

I had to go to a cardiologist 3 years ago because I was experiencing heart palpitations and a tight chest. My doctor ran some test and determined that it was mainly caused by anxiety but that I also do have a valve that doesn’t seem to get the proper blood flow but she insisted that it wouldn’t affect me till later on in life towards my 50′-60’s.

So now I’m wondering if this rapid heart beat and palpitations is from anxiety or if it could be something “worse”. It’s very nerve racking to be laying down and your normal heart rate that’s around 61 bpm jumps up to between 110 and 120 bpm.

But I’m finding myself doing the “what ifs” and when your stuck living in the “what ifs” your brain is in a negative mindset. So therefore of course what you are thinking is going to happen more. So I guess I’m just conflicted within myself because what if it could be something serious? Or nothing serious at all?

I went to my doctor yesterday and they are doing test next week to make sure but honestly it’s kind of making feel like a hypochondriac. And therefore I’m feeling more negative because I’m judging myself in such a way.

I wear a fitbit daily (not saying it completely accurate) but everytime I feel my heart beat increase it does indeed show up on my fitbit that way so I know its not just a figure of my imagination. My face use to literally go numb I was so anxious. I swear these days I hardly ever feel like I deal much with anxiety especially compared to “old Krista”. I’m generally am a pretty happy upbeat person who is physically active every single day and drinks more than half my body weight in water. But man did I have years of super bad caffeine abuse. And I mean BAD. Caffeine pills,1-2 red bulls, five hour energies, b12, extra large coffee ….in one day. Mostly within a few hours if not almost all at once.

I think this is where my worry is coming from because I know I had taken such bad care of my body. I’m 28 years old, I shouldn’t really being having these symptoms. But again the choices I made when I was living a super unhealthy lifestyle may catch up to me and maybe faster than I thought.

So I guess I’m just stuck with this mindset thing right now. Could I think only happy thoughts and it would stop? Am I being a hypochondriac? Am I doing to many thing at once causing me more anxiety than I realize? Am I literally causing my heart to be wacky because I’m thinking about it? Could it be years of my terrible caffeine abuse?

No matter how much you surround yourself with positivity, inspiration and motivational things its extremely easy to get sucked back into the negative mindset and go down the negative rabbit hole. This week was definitely a little reminder that just because your changing your life around doesn’t mean your past cant catch up to you. Just because your trying to be more postive doesnt mean life isn’t going to try and test you and see how you come out on the other side. So I guess I’m just really wondering at this point if it’s all mindset or if your past decisions really do dictate the rest of your life.

Guilt is a downwards spirial

I have a lot to say on this topic apparently. I had said on my previous blog post yesterday, I believe I let guilt almost ruin my life. So if I can help one person realize how guilt is showing up in their own lives, then I have succeed at getting this accross.

My grandmother passed away 6 years ago and up until this point in my life I didn’t experience much anxiety or at least I wasn’t aware of it. Looking back I realize I have always had anxiety, it just wasn’t a huge problem back then. I had no problems sleeping, working, socializing, etc I was in a sense carefree. Granted the last few months of her life I had learned what anxiety was as it started slowing showing up in my life more and more.

It was mothers day when I had talked with her on the phone about how I thought it would be best if I moved in with her so I could be there every single day with her and take care of her. She was ecstatic and thought it was a great idea. I will admit I was slightly tipsy when I made this phone call, as it was a Sunday, and I know I made it seem more possible than it was. Over the next week I realized I made a fake a promise. I felt incredibly guilty. It tore at me and honestly sometimes I find it will pop in my head as if my brain wants to remember the guilt I felt at that time. To this day that phone call still breaks my heart if I think about it, but at the same time I feel as if I have accepted it for what happened, acknowledge my mistake and I won’t make a profound statement like that again to anyone unless I know I can follow through.

My grandmother was my angel, my guardian, my second mother, she was my best friend. The day of her funeral as I was sitting in church with the speech in my hand that I had written about her; her body was wheeled next to me in the casket. I had no idea this was going to happen and all of sudden I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t get the air in my lungs and I started hysterically crying and hyperventilating. I was having my very first panic attack and I didn’t even know it.

But that was also a day I learned I had strength I wasn’t aware I was capable of. I had been called up front to give my speech in the middle of my panic attack. I shook my head no, my dad pushed me forward. I stood up at the alter with my back to crowd as I was still hysterically crying and couldn’t get control over my breath. The pastor asked if I wanted him to read it. And within a few seconds I was able to find my breath, wipe my face, turn around to face a church full of heart broken people and give one of the most important speeches I have ever given. I was able to honor my grandmother just as she wanted me to.

My life slowly started going downhill from that moment on. I couldn’t sleep, I was doing poorly in school, I had started popping pills, I was getting blackout drunk, I was constantly late for work, overall I was making terrible decision in my life that I was also aware of it in a slight degree because the guilt of the whole situation is what destroyed me overall.

I felt guilty that I wasn’t a good student. I felt guilty that I turned into a bad employee when I had such good work ethic. I felt guilty that I was popping pills to numb my pain, I felt guilty of the way I talked and treated people when I was drunk. I felt guilty of how I acted when I was drunk. I felt guilty that I didn’t feel connected with God who my grandma believed in so much. I felt guilty that I wasn’t visiting my gradmas grave more often. I felt guilty that I was still alive and breathing and she wasn’t.

I was also incredibly mad and angry, but that is a another post for another day.

Guilt took me on a downward spiral of worthlessness, intrusive thoughts, anxities, addictions, poor judgments, poor decisions, loss of relationships, pain attacks, countless sleepless nights, and it had especially made me a stranger to my own self.

I relate this all back to guilt because I do fundamentally think that was my probelm. I couldn’t accept what had happened. I couldn’t accept that this was who I was now. I felt guilty every single day for my behaviors and actions.

What do people do when they are trying to run from themselves and the truth? They do anything but acknowledge that there is indeed a problem. They make it everyone elses problem. What we need to learn how to do is accept the situation for what it is, learn from the situation and acknowledge that you could be better. You can be better today, tomorrow and every day going forward.

Don’t let the guilt of your life and past decisions hold you back from your true potential.

With love,

Krista

Guilt

Guilt is something that I feel like I could’ve had a Ph.D in. I was constantly feeling guilty for my actions in my everyday life. I have since learned to let go of my guilt. I accept what has happened, learn and grow from said thing, and let go of my thoughts and perceptions that are making feel this way. It’s much easier said than done but anything that is worth doing is never easy.

Most people get stuck in guilt for years or even their whole lifetime. It interrupts their daily lives without them even realizing it’s happening. They can’t sleep at night because they are constantly going over conversations in their head, replaying things moment by moment, reliving it in their minds while playing different scenarios of what could’ve happened; they are doing anything but accepting the situation and moving on.

I was this person for years. It nearly destroyed my life. It showed up in ways that most people wouldn’t assume is guilt, and only through working on myself have I discovered that I think guilt was one of the root causes of majority of my problems. Yes I had other problems like my face going numb, migraines, sleeping problems, drinking and drug problems…the list goes on. But I had those problems because of guilt I hadn’t yet realized I was carrying around with me.

Guilt has been something that’s been present in me my whole life, just as it is almost everyone. We our taught from an early age that guilt is okay and it’s okay to guilt others. This needs to stop. We are taught this as children by the adults in our lives who guilt us into doing things for them or for some reason. Some examples may include “eat all of your dinner, there are kids starving in Africa” “what’s wrong with you” “your being to sensitive” ” I do everything for you” “you did great on your test, why can’t you do that all the time” “stop crying right now or you won’t get….” “It’s not that big of a deal” “can you do this for me? fine I’ll just have to do it myself”

These all are examples of guilt. We are shown and taught from our adolescent years that it is okay to be guilted into something and that it is also okay to guilt others. This is something we really need to work on as adults who have influence over smaller children. Even if you don’t have children of your own, the way you talk to any child or adult matters. Your words affect other people who aren’t conscious of the fact that your words are only an opinion and nothing more.

It’s a vicious cycle in our minds that we need to learn to get control over. Another example of guilt that you can put on yourself without realizing is by comparing yourself to others. You feel guilty that your not like this person, guilt that you make the wrong decisions, guilt that you didn’t have control over a situation. We even feel guilt when someone passes away, as if we had control over it.

What we have control over is our actions and our thoughts. If you feel guilty about the mistake you made, evaluate why you made the decision you did that led to your mistake, forgive yourself for making the mistake and know that in the future you will make a conscious decision to make better decisions that you feel good about. It’s all about your thoughts and how you perceive a situation. If you know that each thing that comes at you in life is a lesson that you can grow from; you reframe the way you talk to yourself, your decision making, how you perceive life and the opportunities that come your way.

Everything in life is an opportunity, you just need to figure out what it is that life has brought you and how you are going to react.

With love, Krista

The importance of books

There is nothing better than a book that you can turn to during hard times, like an old friend, and also let it teach you and help you grow at the same time.

Books have changed my life. If it wasn’t for my willingness to learn, be better, grow, understand others, try to understand life, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I am 100% positive of that.

5 years ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar, PTSD, OCD, GAD, and panic disorder. My life flipped completely upside down and I lost who I was before my diagnosis. At one point, I was on 8 different meds prescribed by doctors, drinking, popping opioids and any muscle relaxers I could get my hands on, and I was even taking up to 4 Benadryl a day on top of all that because the doctors told me it would help calm my anxiety. My face would go numb and I wouldn’t be able to feel my nose, I had heart palpitations, I was having constant migraines, I couldn’t keep food in my body, and I was always aware that a panic attack could strike at any time. I was admitted to a mental hospital twice. That was my life.

I am so incredibly proud of where I am today. I am completely unmedicated, I work out, I feed my body with good food and vitamins, I have self-care days, I sleep 7 hours a night, I am an entrepreneur, I feel blessed to be alive everyday single day and I honestly hardly feel anxious these days compared to how I use to feel.What was the thing I contribute to me finding peace in this beautifully chaotic world?

Books, books, and more books!

The one book that fundamentally changed my life?The Secret by Rhonda Bryne.Everything in life is what you make of it and your perception of who you are and how life is supposed to be lived is just that; a perception.

Be the person you always wanted someone to be for you!

Perception vs. Reality

The older I get the more I understand that I, in fact, know nothing. Everything that we learn and know is from the perception that we think we know that thing. For example; every single history book is written from someone’s perception and perspective of what has happened. We learn as children that we are supposed to view those as facts when in fact it is anything but.

The only thing I view as fact is that everything is open-ended to how you perceive it. I’m learning that nothing is as serious as it seems, just as serious as you make it. I find this concept to be utterly fascinating. And while I don’t know anything to be fact, I do have my own assumptions about what is. For example, I believe “The Universe” is indeed a real thing as someone else might call that God, Divine Power, Consciousness, Mother Earth or Higher Power among many other names. That is the one thing I believe to be true and I will continue to pray and thank the universe every single day for blessing me with this beautiful realization.

What is your perception of”facts”? Do you believe in everything or most things you hear or do you question everything you hear and try and make your own assumptions?