Is it mindset or is it the past catching up?

I fully believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that everything we do causes a reaction in the world. If we do something positive and with positive intention, it sends out good energy. If we do something bad or with bad intentions its putting out bad energy into the world. And whatever you put out into the world comes back to you, it may take days or years but it comes back. Essentially it’s what people call “Karma”.
I believe that it can take years for your life to even itself out to neutral grounds if that makes sense…if you were once “bad” it takes years for those consequences to play out but by living more intentially and by facing your past mistake life becomes easier and starts to work more in your favor. The better you are, the better your life becomes!

Which brings me to my current predicament. Out of the last 5 weeks or so this has been the week that’s made me question myself, my intentions, motives and thoughts the most. I fully believe what you think about determines your day and/or life.
But just because I believe that to be true doesn’t mean I don’t still fall into the negative trap of my own mind. And holy cow has my mind tried to go down the negative rabbit hole this week.

This week I’ve been experiencing heart palpitations and my heartbeat has been jumping up really high when I’m laying down for no reason at all. The heart palpitations and rapid heart beat has been going on for some time on and off but I’ve been doing some life changes that I thought would help decrease them. For example I thought smoking weed was making my heart beat very rapid but honestly I’m not so sure I’m convinced of that now. It’s been 9 days since I’ve consumed preworkout and any other caffeine besides my cup of coffee in the morning. I quit smoking (for the 100th time but the last time!) a month ago, I started working out again a month ago, started hot yoga almost 2 weeks ago, and I started meditating daily a month ago. I assumed by making these life changes, life would be better. And dont get me wrong it super is!!! I feel better than I have in literally YEARS! But there’s still part of me that wonders if I’m doing this to myself.

I had to go to a cardiologist 3 years ago because I was experiencing heart palpitations and a tight chest. My doctor ran some test and determined that it was mainly caused by anxiety but that I also do have a valve that doesn’t seem to get the proper blood flow but she insisted that it wouldn’t affect me till later on in life towards my 50′-60’s.

So now I’m wondering if this rapid heart beat and palpitations is from anxiety or if it could be something “worse”. It’s very nerve racking to be laying down and your normal heart rate that’s around 61 bpm jumps up to between 110 and 120 bpm.

But I’m finding myself doing the “what ifs” and when your stuck living in the “what ifs” your brain is in a negative mindset. So therefore of course what you are thinking is going to happen more. So I guess I’m just conflicted within myself because what if it could be something serious? Or nothing serious at all?

I went to my doctor yesterday and they are doing test next week to make sure but honestly it’s kind of making feel like a hypochondriac. And therefore I’m feeling more negative because I’m judging myself in such a way.

I wear a fitbit daily (not saying it completely accurate) but everytime I feel my heart beat increase it does indeed show up on my fitbit that way so I know its not just a figure of my imagination. My face use to literally go numb I was so anxious. I swear these days I hardly ever feel like I deal much with anxiety especially compared to “old Krista”. I’m generally am a pretty happy upbeat person who is physically active every single day and drinks more than half my body weight in water. But man did I have years of super bad caffeine abuse. And I mean BAD. Caffeine pills,1-2 red bulls, five hour energies, b12, extra large coffee ….in one day. Mostly within a few hours if not almost all at once.

I think this is where my worry is coming from because I know I had taken such bad care of my body. I’m 28 years old, I shouldn’t really being having these symptoms. But again the choices I made when I was living a super unhealthy lifestyle may catch up to me and maybe faster than I thought.

So I guess I’m just stuck with this mindset thing right now. Could I think only happy thoughts and it would stop? Am I being a hypochondriac? Am I doing to many thing at once causing me more anxiety than I realize? Am I literally causing my heart to be wacky because I’m thinking about it? Could it be years of my terrible caffeine abuse?

No matter how much you surround yourself with positivity, inspiration and motivational things its extremely easy to get sucked back into the negative mindset and go down the negative rabbit hole. This week was definitely a little reminder that just because your changing your life around doesn’t mean your past cant catch up to you. Just because your trying to be more postive doesnt mean life isn’t going to try and test you and see how you come out on the other side. So I guess I’m just really wondering at this point if it’s all mindset or if your past decisions really do dictate the rest of your life.

Observing your past struggles

I’ve felt more broken throughout my life than I can count. I have felt like I’ve hit rock bottom, to then actually hit rock bottom and realize those early struggles were just that; struggles.

I’ve taken for granted the family, friends, strangers who all tried to give me a hand and help me out of the darkness when they could sense I was drowning. But I rejected their help because how could they possibly know what I was going through, the thoughts in my head and how I was feeling day in a day out. I thought I needed to do everything alone but at the same time still lean on those closest to me in a unsupportive way. I wasn’t offering anything to these relationships for years because I was to focused on myself, my own pain and my own discomfort.

I hurt many people, not just myself, with my actions, my words, my self destructive behavior, my unreliableness, my terrible mood swings, my drunkenness, my opioid addiction, my sleepless nights, and countless other things.
Each one of those things alone can damage your character and I was doing all of those at once.

When I found out I had bipolar my life literally crashed around me. My parents couldn’t or didnt want to believe their daughter was bipolar and insisted there was something else wrong with me. I got tested for everything under the sun. Within 2 months of being diagnosed with bipolar I had my gallbladder removed and was diagnosed with a brain condition called Chiari Malformation 1.
So now not only being diagnosed with Bipolar, GAD, OCD, PTSD and panic disorder, I was now diagnosed with a brain condition that I believed based on what I read, could make me wake up paralyzed any day.

There is no wonder I went down the path I chose to go down. I let the doctors tell me who I was and what was wrong with me. I let them prescribe me different medications. I was on 8 different medications for just my mood disorders and that’s not even counting the medication they then put me on for my chiari which were 2 more medications.
I sucked at taking medications as many of us do. So somedays I would skip a dose or go to 2 days without, I would drink while I took these medications, I poped opioids when I took these medications. I did everything you are suppose to not doing when prescribed medications from the doctors.

Looking back Its hard to not realize that I did all of this to myself in a sense. If I had listened to the doctors more I probably wouldnt of gotten so deep into my struggles. If I would’ve gotten help after my traumatic event this all couldve probably been avoided. But I didn’t. I thought I could do everything alone and to this day I sometimes still catch myself in that mindset. Because no one can disappoint you if you dont let anyone in right?

Wrong. You wont have those supportive people who will make you feel grateful for their help when you truly need it. When you offer yourself to others in a present, caring, listening, and helping manner you become a different person to not just yourself but also to those people.

We are all human and we all crave human interactions; make sure the interactions you are having are supporting you and helping you in a someway. Whether it’s helping a friend who is struggling or being helped when you are struggling, listen to your heart in those moments and see how they make you feel. I promise by helping others you become more alive. By helping others you realize your struggles may not be as big as they are, or maybe you realize that your struggles were even bigger than you realized but you made it through and are okay.

Realize that everything that is brought to you in life is a lesson, you just need to be able to see what that lesson is a grow from that. It may be something that happened 10 years ago, but you are just understanding the lesson it taught you. There is no time frame on the lessons life teaches us. Be nice to yourself and try and observe your life through a different lense.

Just breathe. Everything is going to be okay.

With love, Krista

Sober Living

I currently am 15 months sober from liquor which is something I never thought I would have to say.

The first 12 months were the hardest months of my life.

I had to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

I had to get comfortable with discomfort.

I had to relearn who I was as a sober individual.

I had to learn to be alone with myself and my thoughts.

I had to learn that it is okay to stay in on a friday and Saturday. Even if its every friday and Saturday night.

I had to learn how to show up for myself every day, instead of self medicating the pain away.

I had to learn how to handle going to parties and dealing with drunk people.

I had to learn my boundaries. When it is okay to surround myself with people who are drinking and when I need to be alone.

I had to loose friends and social confidence in order to find myself.

I had to learn that liquor is like poison to my soul.

I’m still learning how to be comfortable around liquor.

I’m still learning how to socialize and small talk with people without the help of liquor.

I’m still learning how to not run from my problems and face them head on.

I’m still learning how to live in this world that is very connected to drinking.

I’m still learning how to be 28 and sober from liquor.

I’m still learning. This is a never ending journey of being and becoming my most authentic self.

We learn the most about ourselves when we learn what makes us uncomfortable. Getting use to discomfort is all part of the growth.

I’m not fully sober I will admit. I still smoke weed, and up until recently I was okay with that. This new decade has definitely stirred something in me that I always new was there, but it seems that I wasn’t connecting fast enough to my authentic self that the universe had to push me to “awaken” as some would say.

I use to smoke weed only at night during the week and it would help take the pain from the day away and help me sleep peacefully without having to take anything to assist. If it was the weekend, there a good chance I smoked on and off all day long.

I’ve noticed in the last couple weeks that when I do smoke at night my mind goes very negative very fast. I debate every conversation, every interaction through my day as my heart also seems to beat faster. I haven’t smoked during the day, even on the weekend, for 3 weeks now. I have even skipped a few nights during the week as well.

I’ve been smoking weed longer than I had been drinking. I know I have no desire to smoke weed anymore because I can now see what it is doing to my mindset but the familiarity of weed like a friend you can turn to on a bad day is what I think is going to be the hardest part to give up.

This last year when I was around people who were drinking, I would smoke. It would make my interactions with them seem easier to a degree, but when I really think about it, I was always more in my head when I was high then present in the moment.

I am trying to live a more present life in every single way possible. So going forward I promise to live my most authentic life; being my true self, listening to my heart, my intuition, going with the moments life presents to me, being ok with anything life throws at me, not needing to escape from myself, and being one with the universe.

Going forward I am going to be a completely sober individual inside and out. Not needing anything to numb my pain or hide me from my truth. It has been over 15 years since I have lived without the need to self medicate in someway, 15 years that I have been putting something in my body that tells me I should feel different from what I should be feeling. 15 years since I had to listen to that voice inside my head and not be able to run from myself. 15 freaking years.

I am ready. I am ready to be Sober. I can do this, I can do anything I set my mind too. I am strong, I am a warrior!

Is there such a thing as being mindfully opinionated?

I am an extremely opinionated person and I always have been. It has served me well but it has also gotten me into some trouble as well as sticky situations.

I’ve noticed lately, that when I’m giving my opinion without being asked I contemplate that conversations sometimes for hours. I wonder if I really added anything to that conversation by putting that opinion out there. Or if its my ego that needs to feels as if I contributed to that conversation. I am working on my listening skills, as I believe we all should be doing.

I’m trying to be more present in the moment and hear what people are actually saying before I form a response in my head. I think most of us have a on-going conversation in our heads with ourselves and we often will even do that when someone else is talking to us. We think we know what’s best for them, or the situation, or we dont agree with what they are saying so instead of paying attention to that person’s every word we are already building a response in our heads.

I do this all the time, I will be the first to admit it. Lately though I have been catching myself, more often than not, paying attention to my own inner dialogue vs. Someone’s outer dialogue and I need to bring myself back to the present moment. Which sometimes can be in the middle of the their sentence or story. But that’s the first step; catching yourself doing it.

I recognize that people can really truly tell when the person they are talking with is present in the moment vs if they are in their heads. So going forward, this is something I am truly trying to be better at so I can be there for those people and conversations who really deserve it.

I have all the time in the world to have conversations with myself (though the true goal is to silence those conversations in your own mind) so I promise to try and be more respectful and present with every person I come in contact with. And with being present, I believe I’ll be able to control more of my opinions and only give to those people and situations that call for it. Which overall will help my mental health because I wont be debating all day if what I said was okay, to harsh, not harsh enough, not warranted, or if it could’ve even helped.

“When given the choice to be right or being kind, choose kind” – Wayne Dyer

With love, Krista

Guilt is a downwards spirial

I have a lot to say on this topic apparently. I had said on my previous blog post yesterday, I believe I let guilt almost ruin my life. So if I can help one person realize how guilt is showing up in their own lives, then I have succeed at getting this accross.

My grandmother passed away 6 years ago and up until this point in my life I didn’t experience much anxiety or at least I wasn’t aware of it. Looking back I realize I have always had anxiety, it just wasn’t a huge problem back then. I had no problems sleeping, working, socializing, etc I was in a sense carefree. Granted the last few months of her life I had learned what anxiety was as it started slowing showing up in my life more and more.

It was mothers day when I had talked with her on the phone about how I thought it would be best if I moved in with her so I could be there every single day with her and take care of her. She was ecstatic and thought it was a great idea. I will admit I was slightly tipsy when I made this phone call, as it was a Sunday, and I know I made it seem more possible than it was. Over the next week I realized I made a fake a promise. I felt incredibly guilty. It tore at me and honestly sometimes I find it will pop in my head as if my brain wants to remember the guilt I felt at that time. To this day that phone call still breaks my heart if I think about it, but at the same time I feel as if I have accepted it for what happened, acknowledge my mistake and I won’t make a profound statement like that again to anyone unless I know I can follow through.

My grandmother was my angel, my guardian, my second mother, she was my best friend. The day of her funeral as I was sitting in church with the speech in my hand that I had written about her; her body was wheeled next to me in the casket. I had no idea this was going to happen and all of sudden I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t get the air in my lungs and I started hysterically crying and hyperventilating. I was having my very first panic attack and I didn’t even know it.

But that was also a day I learned I had strength I wasn’t aware I was capable of. I had been called up front to give my speech in the middle of my panic attack. I shook my head no, my dad pushed me forward. I stood up at the alter with my back to crowd as I was still hysterically crying and couldn’t get control over my breath. The pastor asked if I wanted him to read it. And within a few seconds I was able to find my breath, wipe my face, turn around to face a church full of heart broken people and give one of the most important speeches I have ever given. I was able to honor my grandmother just as she wanted me to.

My life slowly started going downhill from that moment on. I couldn’t sleep, I was doing poorly in school, I had started popping pills, I was getting blackout drunk, I was constantly late for work, overall I was making terrible decision in my life that I was also aware of it in a slight degree because the guilt of the whole situation is what destroyed me overall.

I felt guilty that I wasn’t a good student. I felt guilty that I turned into a bad employee when I had such good work ethic. I felt guilty that I was popping pills to numb my pain, I felt guilty of the way I talked and treated people when I was drunk. I felt guilty of how I acted when I was drunk. I felt guilty that I didn’t feel connected with God who my grandma believed in so much. I felt guilty that I wasn’t visiting my gradmas grave more often. I felt guilty that I was still alive and breathing and she wasn’t.

I was also incredibly mad and angry, but that is a another post for another day.

Guilt took me on a downward spiral of worthlessness, intrusive thoughts, anxities, addictions, poor judgments, poor decisions, loss of relationships, pain attacks, countless sleepless nights, and it had especially made me a stranger to my own self.

I relate this all back to guilt because I do fundamentally think that was my probelm. I couldn’t accept what had happened. I couldn’t accept that this was who I was now. I felt guilty every single day for my behaviors and actions.

What do people do when they are trying to run from themselves and the truth? They do anything but acknowledge that there is indeed a problem. They make it everyone elses problem. What we need to learn how to do is accept the situation for what it is, learn from the situation and acknowledge that you could be better. You can be better today, tomorrow and every day going forward.

Don’t let the guilt of your life and past decisions hold you back from your true potential.

With love,

Krista

Guilt

Guilt is something that I feel like I could’ve had a Ph.D in. I was constantly feeling guilty for my actions in my everyday life. I have since learned to let go of my guilt. I accept what has happened, learn and grow from said thing, and let go of my thoughts and perceptions that are making feel this way. It’s much easier said than done but anything that is worth doing is never easy.

Most people get stuck in guilt for years or even their whole lifetime. It interrupts their daily lives without them even realizing it’s happening. They can’t sleep at night because they are constantly going over conversations in their head, replaying things moment by moment, reliving it in their minds while playing different scenarios of what could’ve happened; they are doing anything but accepting the situation and moving on.

I was this person for years. It nearly destroyed my life. It showed up in ways that most people wouldn’t assume is guilt, and only through working on myself have I discovered that I think guilt was one of the root causes of majority of my problems. Yes I had other problems like my face going numb, migraines, sleeping problems, drinking and drug problems…the list goes on. But I had those problems because of guilt I hadn’t yet realized I was carrying around with me.

Guilt has been something that’s been present in me my whole life, just as it is almost everyone. We our taught from an early age that guilt is okay and it’s okay to guilt others. This needs to stop. We are taught this as children by the adults in our lives who guilt us into doing things for them or for some reason. Some examples may include “eat all of your dinner, there are kids starving in Africa” “what’s wrong with you” “your being to sensitive” ” I do everything for you” “you did great on your test, why can’t you do that all the time” “stop crying right now or you won’t get….” “It’s not that big of a deal” “can you do this for me? fine I’ll just have to do it myself”

These all are examples of guilt. We are shown and taught from our adolescent years that it is okay to be guilted into something and that it is also okay to guilt others. This is something we really need to work on as adults who have influence over smaller children. Even if you don’t have children of your own, the way you talk to any child or adult matters. Your words affect other people who aren’t conscious of the fact that your words are only an opinion and nothing more.

It’s a vicious cycle in our minds that we need to learn to get control over. Another example of guilt that you can put on yourself without realizing is by comparing yourself to others. You feel guilty that your not like this person, guilt that you make the wrong decisions, guilt that you didn’t have control over a situation. We even feel guilt when someone passes away, as if we had control over it.

What we have control over is our actions and our thoughts. If you feel guilty about the mistake you made, evaluate why you made the decision you did that led to your mistake, forgive yourself for making the mistake and know that in the future you will make a conscious decision to make better decisions that you feel good about. It’s all about your thoughts and how you perceive a situation. If you know that each thing that comes at you in life is a lesson that you can grow from; you reframe the way you talk to yourself, your decision making, how you perceive life and the opportunities that come your way.

Everything in life is an opportunity, you just need to figure out what it is that life has brought you and how you are going to react.

With love, Krista

What I’ve learned through 7 days of meditation

Today is day 7 of me actually sitting down to meditate. I’ve done 10 sessions over the last 7 days totaling to 140 minutes or 2 hours and 20 minutes. They ranged from breathing meditations, to laying down meditations and the last 2 days I’ve been doing manifestation meditations.

I have been trying to “meditate” going on two years now. Every therapy session I’d have, my therapist, always told me that was my next step to finding my peace and I continued to push it off. We even had one session where she insisted we sit and mediate to which I responded something along the lines of ” No offense, but I’m paying you to listen to me, not sit in silence”. Well we sat there for 5 minutes anyway and even in those short 5 minutes I could feel the relaxation come over me. That was 3 months ago. And every single therapy sessions she tells me ” Just do it” as if it were that simple, but really, I learned it is.

I have spent a lot money and time over the last 2 years on preparing myself for meditation. I’ve spent money on different meditation apps, salt lamps, I even bought a crystal to hold during mediation, though I couldn’t even tell you the name of the crystal, I choose my apartment a year and half ago due to nook that I believed would be the perfect meditation spot, I created said meditation spot in my apartment nook that just created wasted space because I wasn’t using it, I bought special pillows to sit on, I did everything you could possibly do to avoid doing the actual meditation.

Well I decided my therapist was right and I needed to “just do it”. In the last two weeks I have ended a toxic relationship, had a friend try to take advantage of me and I felt very hopeless and weak. This was the time to “Just do it”. I started with 10 minutes the first 3 days and noticed that by the time I was starting to feel very relaxed and connected , the mediation would end. So I am making an effort and making sure I have 20 minutes in my morning to sit and meditate. I’ve noticed with doing these meditations how in touch with myself I have become in just a few short days. I started a blog I’ve been dreaming about for over 2 years and I started a new company that I’ve been trying to put together in my mind for the last 2 years as well. All in the matter of 7 days. I own 2 websites now and hopefully a company ( I’m waiting to hear back from the state). I have a detailed plan of what I want my business to be and represent and I have no doubt I will achieve this. I found Wayne Dyer this week whose words have already transformed my life and will continue to help and inspire me on this journey

Everyday with meditation, I am setting an intention for my day. I have mantra’s I am repeating to myself and affirmations I am vocalizing as well. I’m making a conscious effort to only let the good into my life which means re-framing my mind to do only that. I must be conscious of every thought I let into my mind as it sends a vibration out into the world. I’m making a conscious effort to make a conscious effort to make my life all it is and can be.

Mediation has brought me here to this place today in just a short 7 days. But those 2 hours and 20 minutes that I let my brain relax from needing to have a thought, focused on accepting what came through my mind as well as setting my intentions for my day and life. That is 140 minutes that I didn’t have last week or last month That’s 140 minutes that I focused on myself and wasn’t on social media or watching t.v. Just look at all I’ve accomplished in a week, I think it speaks for itself.

“I am not who I think I am, I am not who you think I am, I am who you think I think I am”

With love,
Krista