Becoming more than your diagnosis through Self Awareness

6 years ago my life changed forever. To be fair, 9 years ago is when my life actually changed forever after a traumatic event, but I was in denial and 6 years ago my denial and avoidance finally caught up to me.

6 years ago I found myself in inpatient for the first time and I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1, PTSD, GAD, Panic Disorder and OCD. Realistically speaking just one of these diagnosis (or any diagnosis) could change a person’s life and I was Diagnosed with 5 different mental disorders at once. On top of that I was diagnosed with Chiari Malformation of the brain within a month of those diagnosis. That was enough for me to loose any sense of who I was before this. I didnt just loose who I was before the diagnosis, I also believed that I was now my diagnosis. I believed I was mentally sick , I believed I wasn’t your typically “human” , I believed that this was my new life and I believed I could never be a “normal” functioning human being again.

To say this literally didn’t control my life would be understatement. It was my life. I believed that in order for those people in my life to understand me they would have to put it in the effort to understand my diagnosis and why I was the way I was and did the things I did. Not that I had to put in more effort, other people had to. I believed I had lost all control of my emotions. That it wasn’t me making these terrible decisions or hurting those around me who loved me and were just trying to help and understand me. I believed it was my mental illness causing all of this. I identified as my diagnosis. I became bipolar instead of having bipolar.

Do you see the difference in the framing of words?

I believe many people become their diagnosis. Whether it’s a mental or physical diagnosis, it inevitably changes most people’s lives.

I’m starting to see this everywhere. With the people I communicate with, family friends, clients, online forms, support groups etc people who have a “problem” become their problem.

In the last 10 years I have struggled with migraines, weight gain, weight loss, cyst on my ovaries, irregular menstrual cycle, arthritic like pain, lower back issues, neck pain, swelling of my limbs, mental health issues, heart problems, galbladder problems, shingles, kidney stones and that’s just off the top of my head. I believed that my body was always hurting and I had chronic pain. I would tell people I had chronic pain even if they didnt ask. I had the mentality that weird and/or bad things always happened to me, though my medical history does show that, I also believe it was because of the narrative I kept telling myself.

Studies show that many 26 year olds dont get shingles but here I am. Just because that happened doesn’t mean I am weird or my body hates me. It does remind me of how unhealthy of a lifestyle I was living. With self medicating to numb myself plus all the medication I was getting from my psychiatrist, neurologist, gastroenterologist there is no wonder I was a mess. I was taking so many medications that of course my body couldnt heal itself naturally the way our bodies our designed too. I couldn’t think straight or properly because of all the medications I was on to alter my thoughts and change my mood.

As a society we are way to comfortable with taking medications, mixing medications with alcohol or other addictive things, and assuming that a doctor really does know what’s best for us. Especially people who meet with a doctor once or twice for 20 minutes and assume that doctors knows all about them and their conditions. I’ve believed so many different things the doctors were telling me just because I felt validated in that there was actually something wrong with me. When in fact, I know myself more than those doctors know me and there’s something to be said for that. But only by becoming self aware was I able to come to this realization.

I am here to say that I believe that this all needs to change. If I listened to my doctors, I would still be a medicated person who I am positive would still be living pay check to paycheck at my parents house and self medicating to help my emotional and physical pain. I’d be complaining that I have no money and that life is terrible when in fact if I stopped spending my money on drugs and alcohol and focused more about why I was feeling the way I was feeling and my physical health; I wouldn’t be in the place I was.

I believe the only way as a society we can change and become better is through self awareness. We need to realize that the thoughts we think dictate our lives. The food we feed ourselves can determine our moods and health conditions. The medicine we trust to help make us feel better are generally just a bandaid and a toxic one at that. That the alcohol we drink effects our moods for days and how we treat others and also how we feel about ourselves.That the caffeine we put in our bodies is overall hurting them even, maybe not now, but it definitely is affecting your heart. That the tv we watch to turn off our brains at night is filling our heads with unrealistic expectations and unrealistic desires to be like other people or have more materialistic things.

We need to become more self aware in every aspect of our lives. We need to be aware of what we are putting in our bodies; mentally, physically and emotionally. We need to realize our actions affect us as well as others. We need to become aware that every action has a reaction; it’s in your control.

Self awareness I believe is the key to living an authentic intentional happy and peaceful life. Without being self aware we continue down the same paths that hurt us and hurt others.

My goal, going forward, is to help people become more self aware so we have less damaged people in our world thinking that their lives suck or their stuck living the way they are because that’s just how it’s been.

Your thoughts determine your life. If you think your sick, you become sick. If you think your life sucks, your life will suck. If you think your going to have a bad day, you are going to have a bad day. If you think like is wonderful, you are going to look for the small things that make you smile. If you think more happy thoughts, you become more happy.

Choose wisely because it really is as simple as that.

With love, Krista

Observing your past struggles

I’ve felt more broken throughout my life than I can count. I have felt like I’ve hit rock bottom, to then actually hit rock bottom and realize those early struggles were just that; struggles.

I’ve taken for granted the family, friends, strangers who all tried to give me a hand and help me out of the darkness when they could sense I was drowning. But I rejected their help because how could they possibly know what I was going through, the thoughts in my head and how I was feeling day in a day out. I thought I needed to do everything alone but at the same time still lean on those closest to me in a unsupportive way. I wasn’t offering anything to these relationships for years because I was to focused on myself, my own pain and my own discomfort.

I hurt many people, not just myself, with my actions, my words, my self destructive behavior, my unreliableness, my terrible mood swings, my drunkenness, my opioid addiction, my sleepless nights, and countless other things.
Each one of those things alone can damage your character and I was doing all of those at once.

When I found out I had bipolar my life literally crashed around me. My parents couldn’t or didnt want to believe their daughter was bipolar and insisted there was something else wrong with me. I got tested for everything under the sun. Within 2 months of being diagnosed with bipolar I had my gallbladder removed and was diagnosed with a brain condition called Chiari Malformation 1.
So now not only being diagnosed with Bipolar, GAD, OCD, PTSD and panic disorder, I was now diagnosed with a brain condition that I believed based on what I read, could make me wake up paralyzed any day.

There is no wonder I went down the path I chose to go down. I let the doctors tell me who I was and what was wrong with me. I let them prescribe me different medications. I was on 8 different medications for just my mood disorders and that’s not even counting the medication they then put me on for my chiari which were 2 more medications.
I sucked at taking medications as many of us do. So somedays I would skip a dose or go to 2 days without, I would drink while I took these medications, I poped opioids when I took these medications. I did everything you are suppose to not doing when prescribed medications from the doctors.

Looking back Its hard to not realize that I did all of this to myself in a sense. If I had listened to the doctors more I probably wouldnt of gotten so deep into my struggles. If I would’ve gotten help after my traumatic event this all couldve probably been avoided. But I didn’t. I thought I could do everything alone and to this day I sometimes still catch myself in that mindset. Because no one can disappoint you if you dont let anyone in right?

Wrong. You wont have those supportive people who will make you feel grateful for their help when you truly need it. When you offer yourself to others in a present, caring, listening, and helping manner you become a different person to not just yourself but also to those people.

We are all human and we all crave human interactions; make sure the interactions you are having are supporting you and helping you in a someway. Whether it’s helping a friend who is struggling or being helped when you are struggling, listen to your heart in those moments and see how they make you feel. I promise by helping others you become more alive. By helping others you realize your struggles may not be as big as they are, or maybe you realize that your struggles were even bigger than you realized but you made it through and are okay.

Realize that everything that is brought to you in life is a lesson, you just need to be able to see what that lesson is a grow from that. It may be something that happened 10 years ago, but you are just understanding the lesson it taught you. There is no time frame on the lessons life teaches us. Be nice to yourself and try and observe your life through a different lense.

Just breathe. Everything is going to be okay.

With love, Krista

Sober Living

I currently am 15 months sober from liquor which is something I never thought I would have to say.

The first 12 months were the hardest months of my life.

I had to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

I had to get comfortable with discomfort.

I had to relearn who I was as a sober individual.

I had to learn to be alone with myself and my thoughts.

I had to learn that it is okay to stay in on a friday and Saturday. Even if its every friday and Saturday night.

I had to learn how to show up for myself every day, instead of self medicating the pain away.

I had to learn how to handle going to parties and dealing with drunk people.

I had to learn my boundaries. When it is okay to surround myself with people who are drinking and when I need to be alone.

I had to loose friends and social confidence in order to find myself.

I had to learn that liquor is like poison to my soul.

I’m still learning how to be comfortable around liquor.

I’m still learning how to socialize and small talk with people without the help of liquor.

I’m still learning how to not run from my problems and face them head on.

I’m still learning how to live in this world that is very connected to drinking.

I’m still learning how to be 28 and sober from liquor.

I’m still learning. This is a never ending journey of being and becoming my most authentic self.

We learn the most about ourselves when we learn what makes us uncomfortable. Getting use to discomfort is all part of the growth.

I’m not fully sober I will admit. I still smoke weed, and up until recently I was okay with that. This new decade has definitely stirred something in me that I always new was there, but it seems that I wasn’t connecting fast enough to my authentic self that the universe had to push me to “awaken” as some would say.

I use to smoke weed only at night during the week and it would help take the pain from the day away and help me sleep peacefully without having to take anything to assist. If it was the weekend, there a good chance I smoked on and off all day long.

I’ve noticed in the last couple weeks that when I do smoke at night my mind goes very negative very fast. I debate every conversation, every interaction through my day as my heart also seems to beat faster. I haven’t smoked during the day, even on the weekend, for 3 weeks now. I have even skipped a few nights during the week as well.

I’ve been smoking weed longer than I had been drinking. I know I have no desire to smoke weed anymore because I can now see what it is doing to my mindset but the familiarity of weed like a friend you can turn to on a bad day is what I think is going to be the hardest part to give up.

This last year when I was around people who were drinking, I would smoke. It would make my interactions with them seem easier to a degree, but when I really think about it, I was always more in my head when I was high then present in the moment.

I am trying to live a more present life in every single way possible. So going forward I promise to live my most authentic life; being my true self, listening to my heart, my intuition, going with the moments life presents to me, being ok with anything life throws at me, not needing to escape from myself, and being one with the universe.

Going forward I am going to be a completely sober individual inside and out. Not needing anything to numb my pain or hide me from my truth. It has been over 15 years since I have lived without the need to self medicate in someway, 15 years that I have been putting something in my body that tells me I should feel different from what I should be feeling. 15 years since I had to listen to that voice inside my head and not be able to run from myself. 15 freaking years.

I am ready. I am ready to be Sober. I can do this, I can do anything I set my mind too. I am strong, I am a warrior!

Is there such a thing as being mindfully opinionated?

I am an extremely opinionated person and I always have been. It has served me well but it has also gotten me into some trouble as well as sticky situations.

I’ve noticed lately, that when I’m giving my opinion without being asked I contemplate that conversations sometimes for hours. I wonder if I really added anything to that conversation by putting that opinion out there. Or if its my ego that needs to feels as if I contributed to that conversation. I am working on my listening skills, as I believe we all should be doing.

I’m trying to be more present in the moment and hear what people are actually saying before I form a response in my head. I think most of us have a on-going conversation in our heads with ourselves and we often will even do that when someone else is talking to us. We think we know what’s best for them, or the situation, or we dont agree with what they are saying so instead of paying attention to that person’s every word we are already building a response in our heads.

I do this all the time, I will be the first to admit it. Lately though I have been catching myself, more often than not, paying attention to my own inner dialogue vs. Someone’s outer dialogue and I need to bring myself back to the present moment. Which sometimes can be in the middle of the their sentence or story. But that’s the first step; catching yourself doing it.

I recognize that people can really truly tell when the person they are talking with is present in the moment vs if they are in their heads. So going forward, this is something I am truly trying to be better at so I can be there for those people and conversations who really deserve it.

I have all the time in the world to have conversations with myself (though the true goal is to silence those conversations in your own mind) so I promise to try and be more respectful and present with every person I come in contact with. And with being present, I believe I’ll be able to control more of my opinions and only give to those people and situations that call for it. Which overall will help my mental health because I wont be debating all day if what I said was okay, to harsh, not harsh enough, not warranted, or if it could’ve even helped.

“When given the choice to be right or being kind, choose kind” – Wayne Dyer

With love, Krista

Guilt is a downwards spirial

I have a lot to say on this topic apparently. I had said on my previous blog post yesterday, I believe I let guilt almost ruin my life. So if I can help one person realize how guilt is showing up in their own lives, then I have succeed at getting this accross.

My grandmother passed away 6 years ago and up until this point in my life I didn’t experience much anxiety or at least I wasn’t aware of it. Looking back I realize I have always had anxiety, it just wasn’t a huge problem back then. I had no problems sleeping, working, socializing, etc I was in a sense carefree. Granted the last few months of her life I had learned what anxiety was as it started slowing showing up in my life more and more.

It was mothers day when I had talked with her on the phone about how I thought it would be best if I moved in with her so I could be there every single day with her and take care of her. She was ecstatic and thought it was a great idea. I will admit I was slightly tipsy when I made this phone call, as it was a Sunday, and I know I made it seem more possible than it was. Over the next week I realized I made a fake a promise. I felt incredibly guilty. It tore at me and honestly sometimes I find it will pop in my head as if my brain wants to remember the guilt I felt at that time. To this day that phone call still breaks my heart if I think about it, but at the same time I feel as if I have accepted it for what happened, acknowledge my mistake and I won’t make a profound statement like that again to anyone unless I know I can follow through.

My grandmother was my angel, my guardian, my second mother, she was my best friend. The day of her funeral as I was sitting in church with the speech in my hand that I had written about her; her body was wheeled next to me in the casket. I had no idea this was going to happen and all of sudden I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t get the air in my lungs and I started hysterically crying and hyperventilating. I was having my very first panic attack and I didn’t even know it.

But that was also a day I learned I had strength I wasn’t aware I was capable of. I had been called up front to give my speech in the middle of my panic attack. I shook my head no, my dad pushed me forward. I stood up at the alter with my back to crowd as I was still hysterically crying and couldn’t get control over my breath. The pastor asked if I wanted him to read it. And within a few seconds I was able to find my breath, wipe my face, turn around to face a church full of heart broken people and give one of the most important speeches I have ever given. I was able to honor my grandmother just as she wanted me to.

My life slowly started going downhill from that moment on. I couldn’t sleep, I was doing poorly in school, I had started popping pills, I was getting blackout drunk, I was constantly late for work, overall I was making terrible decision in my life that I was also aware of it in a slight degree because the guilt of the whole situation is what destroyed me overall.

I felt guilty that I wasn’t a good student. I felt guilty that I turned into a bad employee when I had such good work ethic. I felt guilty that I was popping pills to numb my pain, I felt guilty of the way I talked and treated people when I was drunk. I felt guilty of how I acted when I was drunk. I felt guilty that I didn’t feel connected with God who my grandma believed in so much. I felt guilty that I wasn’t visiting my gradmas grave more often. I felt guilty that I was still alive and breathing and she wasn’t.

I was also incredibly mad and angry, but that is a another post for another day.

Guilt took me on a downward spiral of worthlessness, intrusive thoughts, anxities, addictions, poor judgments, poor decisions, loss of relationships, pain attacks, countless sleepless nights, and it had especially made me a stranger to my own self.

I relate this all back to guilt because I do fundamentally think that was my probelm. I couldn’t accept what had happened. I couldn’t accept that this was who I was now. I felt guilty every single day for my behaviors and actions.

What do people do when they are trying to run from themselves and the truth? They do anything but acknowledge that there is indeed a problem. They make it everyone elses problem. What we need to learn how to do is accept the situation for what it is, learn from the situation and acknowledge that you could be better. You can be better today, tomorrow and every day going forward.

Don’t let the guilt of your life and past decisions hold you back from your true potential.

With love,

Krista