I was feeling incredibly weak the last couple days, I ended a 3.5 year unhealthy relationship and I had also gotten taken advantage of from a person I had thought was a friend within 24 hours of ending that relationship. I’ve been in my head a lot as that is all I tend to do is think. Had I still been with my ex, that situation with the friend would’ve never happened. But on the flip side maybe that situation with said friend needed to happen to bring me here today to write my first post.
I had gotten a text this previous Sunday morning at 3 am from a person I haven’t hung out with in over a year but who I stay loosely in contact with a “hey how are you doing” and making sure that they were okay as they had gone through something this year. This person asked if I could come over which surprised me seeing as it was 3 am. I should also note I don’t normally ever stay up this late but with my recent breakup was having a hard time sleeping. I told this person that I was in bed and getting ready to go to sleep. They asked again to which I replied “We can hangout tomorrow, I’ll bring you some coffee and doughnuts or we can get some lunch” this person again persisted that I come over now and that they cant be alone.

Here’s the thing that you guys will learn about me. I’m really into mental health and advocating for those who cant; I try and send uplifting messages to those friends I know who are struggling, I recommend books and podcast that helped me come out of my own darkness, I share the little things I did or changed that could hopefully help someone else. I cant recommend anything I’ve never done personally, maybe it seems some what selfish or full of myself, but I promise my only intention is to help others not feel so alone and helpless in this crazy world surround by others.

Which brings me back to this person. I have sent this person messages, books,podcast etc. I fully believed this person was going through a hard time, and still is despite their actions. Before heading to this persons house I even texted them to make sure this wasn’t a booty call. I’m not really a social person so I don’t typically get booty call texts at 3am or any texts for that matter but regardless I’m a woman and need to make sure that our intentions are the same before I drive 20+ minutes to check on this person.
I arrive at this persons house and within 1 minute of being there I should’ve left, but I didn’t. When I walked into his apartment he picked me up to hug him, first red flag. he put me down and tried to kiss me, to which I know I was taken back and told him “No, I am a friend here to check on another friend” and he insisted he only meant it as a friendly hello kiss. 2nd big red flag. Third red flag? He was drinking.
Now I’ve been sober from alcohol for a little over 14 months. Should I assumed that a text at 3 am meant somebody was drinking? probably..but I didn’t. So we talked for 2.5 hours with not much else happening. We talked about life, had deep spiritual conversations, analyzed the situations we were in etc and then he decided he would try again. He tried touching my arm, I moved it away and then he took his hand and tried to wrap it around my waist.

That was what it took for me to snap. I bitched this man out, voice raised in all, and told him that he was making me uncomfortable and if hes going to preach words about men and respecting woman then he needs to live by those same words. I told him that when he opened the door and greeted me, it was super inappropriate and he has no right to touch me unless I tell him its okay, and it is not. This went on for a solid 5 minutes, voice sternly raised and all. He seemed remorseful and apologized and said he had never thought about it the way I had said and he thanked me for giving him a different perspective. This is when I should’ve left and I didn’t.
We had gone outside for one last cigarette, I had given them up 11 days prior and honestly I just wanted to enjoy one last cigarette without having to go buy a pack and feel like I failed at quitting. This is now the second time in my life where a cigarette has put me in a dangerous situation. The other? I was kidnapped and sexually assaulted . But that’s a story for another day.
We went outside for one last cigarette, walked back inside and I had told him I was leaving and was getting ready to say my goodbyes. I was standing next to him when he started muttering about how we have one life to live and we don’t know how long we’ll be alive, in this moment I was already slightly anticipating something because those aren’t really normal words to say and especially because he seemed to be saying them more to himself than to me. Next thing I know this man lunged at me with both arms wide open. I’m 4’11 and 100lbs, this man is easily over 6 feet and has an easy 100lbs on me. I jumped around his coffee table, honestly I might even of jumped over it because I do remember jumping over something. and around his recliner and be lined for the door. At this point its probably been less than 30 seconds from when he lunged at me, but I had my keys in my hand with my keys poking out through my fingers in case I needed to stab him in the eyeball. I remember that being my distinct thought. I told him to go to bed and I left.
Once I got into my car the anger of the whole situation really hit me. I was angry, hurt, uncomfortable, flabbergasted, my adrenaline was going crazy. He then texted me 3 different times, “Please don’t go” Please just cuddle” “Please” and then I became infuriated at the situation. Why? because of how many times I made me intention clear. Also because I was naive enough to put myself in that situation.
I think its worth mentioning that I didn’t cry over my breakup because I realized our time had come to an end and we both deserved better. But this situation with this “friend” literally destroyed me for the next 48 hours. It’s only Tuesday though so I’m sure there will be more tears this week as I work through this situation in my head. I’m just trying to be strong and learn from this situation vs letting it take control over me, my mind and letting it make me become weak.
Here’s the thing, I’ve thought of myself as a survivor in this world because of the hands I’ve been dealt and I do think I’ve come a lot further than somebody else in my shoes would have though I will never know. I’ve had many things happen that I could use as an excuse to never grow as a person and continue making mistakes and blaming in on my past. I’m not here on this earth to live to the standards of others, I am not just another person, I am not just a survivor, I am a warrior. That is what I am; A warrior. And from this point going forward, I will do my best to fight, protect, spread awareness, kill stigmas, live authentically and let the world know of my experience and thoughts because I do think they could help someone some day if even its not to make the same mistakes I once made.
Till next time
“Recognize that you are not the experiences that you believe to have shaped you as such”
With love, Krista