Is it mindset or is it the past catching up?

I fully believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that everything we do causes a reaction in the world. If we do something positive and with positive intention, it sends out good energy. If we do something bad or with bad intentions its putting out bad energy into the world. And whatever you put out into the world comes back to you, it may take days or years but it comes back. Essentially it’s what people call “Karma”.
I believe that it can take years for your life to even itself out to neutral grounds if that makes sense…if you were once “bad” it takes years for those consequences to play out but by living more intentially and by facing your past mistake life becomes easier and starts to work more in your favor. The better you are, the better your life becomes!

Which brings me to my current predicament. Out of the last 5 weeks or so this has been the week that’s made me question myself, my intentions, motives and thoughts the most. I fully believe what you think about determines your day and/or life.
But just because I believe that to be true doesn’t mean I don’t still fall into the negative trap of my own mind. And holy cow has my mind tried to go down the negative rabbit hole this week.

This week I’ve been experiencing heart palpitations and my heartbeat has been jumping up really high when I’m laying down for no reason at all. The heart palpitations and rapid heart beat has been going on for some time on and off but I’ve been doing some life changes that I thought would help decrease them. For example I thought smoking weed was making my heart beat very rapid but honestly I’m not so sure I’m convinced of that now. It’s been 9 days since I’ve consumed preworkout and any other caffeine besides my cup of coffee in the morning. I quit smoking (for the 100th time but the last time!) a month ago, I started working out again a month ago, started hot yoga almost 2 weeks ago, and I started meditating daily a month ago. I assumed by making these life changes, life would be better. And dont get me wrong it super is!!! I feel better than I have in literally YEARS! But there’s still part of me that wonders if I’m doing this to myself.

I had to go to a cardiologist 3 years ago because I was experiencing heart palpitations and a tight chest. My doctor ran some test and determined that it was mainly caused by anxiety but that I also do have a valve that doesn’t seem to get the proper blood flow but she insisted that it wouldn’t affect me till later on in life towards my 50′-60’s.

So now I’m wondering if this rapid heart beat and palpitations is from anxiety or if it could be something “worse”. It’s very nerve racking to be laying down and your normal heart rate that’s around 61 bpm jumps up to between 110 and 120 bpm.

But I’m finding myself doing the “what ifs” and when your stuck living in the “what ifs” your brain is in a negative mindset. So therefore of course what you are thinking is going to happen more. So I guess I’m just conflicted within myself because what if it could be something serious? Or nothing serious at all?

I went to my doctor yesterday and they are doing test next week to make sure but honestly it’s kind of making feel like a hypochondriac. And therefore I’m feeling more negative because I’m judging myself in such a way.

I wear a fitbit daily (not saying it completely accurate) but everytime I feel my heart beat increase it does indeed show up on my fitbit that way so I know its not just a figure of my imagination. My face use to literally go numb I was so anxious. I swear these days I hardly ever feel like I deal much with anxiety especially compared to “old Krista”. I’m generally am a pretty happy upbeat person who is physically active every single day and drinks more than half my body weight in water. But man did I have years of super bad caffeine abuse. And I mean BAD. Caffeine pills,1-2 red bulls, five hour energies, b12, extra large coffee ….in one day. Mostly within a few hours if not almost all at once.

I think this is where my worry is coming from because I know I had taken such bad care of my body. I’m 28 years old, I shouldn’t really being having these symptoms. But again the choices I made when I was living a super unhealthy lifestyle may catch up to me and maybe faster than I thought.

So I guess I’m just stuck with this mindset thing right now. Could I think only happy thoughts and it would stop? Am I being a hypochondriac? Am I doing to many thing at once causing me more anxiety than I realize? Am I literally causing my heart to be wacky because I’m thinking about it? Could it be years of my terrible caffeine abuse?

No matter how much you surround yourself with positivity, inspiration and motivational things its extremely easy to get sucked back into the negative mindset and go down the negative rabbit hole. This week was definitely a little reminder that just because your changing your life around doesn’t mean your past cant catch up to you. Just because your trying to be more postive doesnt mean life isn’t going to try and test you and see how you come out on the other side. So I guess I’m just really wondering at this point if it’s all mindset or if your past decisions really do dictate the rest of your life.

Becoming more than your diagnosis through Self Awareness

6 years ago my life changed forever. To be fair, 9 years ago is when my life actually changed forever after a traumatic event, but I was in denial and 6 years ago my denial and avoidance finally caught up to me.

6 years ago I found myself in inpatient for the first time and I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1, PTSD, GAD, Panic Disorder and OCD. Realistically speaking just one of these diagnosis (or any diagnosis) could change a person’s life and I was Diagnosed with 5 different mental disorders at once. On top of that I was diagnosed with Chiari Malformation of the brain within a month of those diagnosis. That was enough for me to loose any sense of who I was before this. I didnt just loose who I was before the diagnosis, I also believed that I was now my diagnosis. I believed I was mentally sick , I believed I wasn’t your typically “human” , I believed that this was my new life and I believed I could never be a “normal” functioning human being again.

To say this literally didn’t control my life would be understatement. It was my life. I believed that in order for those people in my life to understand me they would have to put it in the effort to understand my diagnosis and why I was the way I was and did the things I did. Not that I had to put in more effort, other people had to. I believed I had lost all control of my emotions. That it wasn’t me making these terrible decisions or hurting those around me who loved me and were just trying to help and understand me. I believed it was my mental illness causing all of this. I identified as my diagnosis. I became bipolar instead of having bipolar.

Do you see the difference in the framing of words?

I believe many people become their diagnosis. Whether it’s a mental or physical diagnosis, it inevitably changes most people’s lives.

I’m starting to see this everywhere. With the people I communicate with, family friends, clients, online forms, support groups etc people who have a “problem” become their problem.

In the last 10 years I have struggled with migraines, weight gain, weight loss, cyst on my ovaries, irregular menstrual cycle, arthritic like pain, lower back issues, neck pain, swelling of my limbs, mental health issues, heart problems, galbladder problems, shingles, kidney stones and that’s just off the top of my head. I believed that my body was always hurting and I had chronic pain. I would tell people I had chronic pain even if they didnt ask. I had the mentality that weird and/or bad things always happened to me, though my medical history does show that, I also believe it was because of the narrative I kept telling myself.

Studies show that many 26 year olds dont get shingles but here I am. Just because that happened doesn’t mean I am weird or my body hates me. It does remind me of how unhealthy of a lifestyle I was living. With self medicating to numb myself plus all the medication I was getting from my psychiatrist, neurologist, gastroenterologist there is no wonder I was a mess. I was taking so many medications that of course my body couldnt heal itself naturally the way our bodies our designed too. I couldn’t think straight or properly because of all the medications I was on to alter my thoughts and change my mood.

As a society we are way to comfortable with taking medications, mixing medications with alcohol or other addictive things, and assuming that a doctor really does know what’s best for us. Especially people who meet with a doctor once or twice for 20 minutes and assume that doctors knows all about them and their conditions. I’ve believed so many different things the doctors were telling me just because I felt validated in that there was actually something wrong with me. When in fact, I know myself more than those doctors know me and there’s something to be said for that. But only by becoming self aware was I able to come to this realization.

I am here to say that I believe that this all needs to change. If I listened to my doctors, I would still be a medicated person who I am positive would still be living pay check to paycheck at my parents house and self medicating to help my emotional and physical pain. I’d be complaining that I have no money and that life is terrible when in fact if I stopped spending my money on drugs and alcohol and focused more about why I was feeling the way I was feeling and my physical health; I wouldn’t be in the place I was.

I believe the only way as a society we can change and become better is through self awareness. We need to realize that the thoughts we think dictate our lives. The food we feed ourselves can determine our moods and health conditions. The medicine we trust to help make us feel better are generally just a bandaid and a toxic one at that. That the alcohol we drink effects our moods for days and how we treat others and also how we feel about ourselves.That the caffeine we put in our bodies is overall hurting them even, maybe not now, but it definitely is affecting your heart. That the tv we watch to turn off our brains at night is filling our heads with unrealistic expectations and unrealistic desires to be like other people or have more materialistic things.

We need to become more self aware in every aspect of our lives. We need to be aware of what we are putting in our bodies; mentally, physically and emotionally. We need to realize our actions affect us as well as others. We need to become aware that every action has a reaction; it’s in your control.

Self awareness I believe is the key to living an authentic intentional happy and peaceful life. Without being self aware we continue down the same paths that hurt us and hurt others.

My goal, going forward, is to help people become more self aware so we have less damaged people in our world thinking that their lives suck or their stuck living the way they are because that’s just how it’s been.

Your thoughts determine your life. If you think your sick, you become sick. If you think your life sucks, your life will suck. If you think your going to have a bad day, you are going to have a bad day. If you think like is wonderful, you are going to look for the small things that make you smile. If you think more happy thoughts, you become more happy.

Choose wisely because it really is as simple as that.

With love, Krista

Observing your past struggles

I’ve felt more broken throughout my life than I can count. I have felt like I’ve hit rock bottom, to then actually hit rock bottom and realize those early struggles were just that; struggles.

I’ve taken for granted the family, friends, strangers who all tried to give me a hand and help me out of the darkness when they could sense I was drowning. But I rejected their help because how could they possibly know what I was going through, the thoughts in my head and how I was feeling day in a day out. I thought I needed to do everything alone but at the same time still lean on those closest to me in a unsupportive way. I wasn’t offering anything to these relationships for years because I was to focused on myself, my own pain and my own discomfort.

I hurt many people, not just myself, with my actions, my words, my self destructive behavior, my unreliableness, my terrible mood swings, my drunkenness, my opioid addiction, my sleepless nights, and countless other things.
Each one of those things alone can damage your character and I was doing all of those at once.

When I found out I had bipolar my life literally crashed around me. My parents couldn’t or didnt want to believe their daughter was bipolar and insisted there was something else wrong with me. I got tested for everything under the sun. Within 2 months of being diagnosed with bipolar I had my gallbladder removed and was diagnosed with a brain condition called Chiari Malformation 1.
So now not only being diagnosed with Bipolar, GAD, OCD, PTSD and panic disorder, I was now diagnosed with a brain condition that I believed based on what I read, could make me wake up paralyzed any day.

There is no wonder I went down the path I chose to go down. I let the doctors tell me who I was and what was wrong with me. I let them prescribe me different medications. I was on 8 different medications for just my mood disorders and that’s not even counting the medication they then put me on for my chiari which were 2 more medications.
I sucked at taking medications as many of us do. So somedays I would skip a dose or go to 2 days without, I would drink while I took these medications, I poped opioids when I took these medications. I did everything you are suppose to not doing when prescribed medications from the doctors.

Looking back Its hard to not realize that I did all of this to myself in a sense. If I had listened to the doctors more I probably wouldnt of gotten so deep into my struggles. If I would’ve gotten help after my traumatic event this all couldve probably been avoided. But I didn’t. I thought I could do everything alone and to this day I sometimes still catch myself in that mindset. Because no one can disappoint you if you dont let anyone in right?

Wrong. You wont have those supportive people who will make you feel grateful for their help when you truly need it. When you offer yourself to others in a present, caring, listening, and helping manner you become a different person to not just yourself but also to those people.

We are all human and we all crave human interactions; make sure the interactions you are having are supporting you and helping you in a someway. Whether it’s helping a friend who is struggling or being helped when you are struggling, listen to your heart in those moments and see how they make you feel. I promise by helping others you become more alive. By helping others you realize your struggles may not be as big as they are, or maybe you realize that your struggles were even bigger than you realized but you made it through and are okay.

Realize that everything that is brought to you in life is a lesson, you just need to be able to see what that lesson is a grow from that. It may be something that happened 10 years ago, but you are just understanding the lesson it taught you. There is no time frame on the lessons life teaches us. Be nice to yourself and try and observe your life through a different lense.

Just breathe. Everything is going to be okay.

With love, Krista

Sober Living

I currently am 15 months sober from liquor which is something I never thought I would have to say.

The first 12 months were the hardest months of my life.

I had to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

I had to get comfortable with discomfort.

I had to relearn who I was as a sober individual.

I had to learn to be alone with myself and my thoughts.

I had to learn that it is okay to stay in on a friday and Saturday. Even if its every friday and Saturday night.

I had to learn how to show up for myself every day, instead of self medicating the pain away.

I had to learn how to handle going to parties and dealing with drunk people.

I had to learn my boundaries. When it is okay to surround myself with people who are drinking and when I need to be alone.

I had to loose friends and social confidence in order to find myself.

I had to learn that liquor is like poison to my soul.

I’m still learning how to be comfortable around liquor.

I’m still learning how to socialize and small talk with people without the help of liquor.

I’m still learning how to not run from my problems and face them head on.

I’m still learning how to live in this world that is very connected to drinking.

I’m still learning how to be 28 and sober from liquor.

I’m still learning. This is a never ending journey of being and becoming my most authentic self.

We learn the most about ourselves when we learn what makes us uncomfortable. Getting use to discomfort is all part of the growth.

I’m not fully sober I will admit. I still smoke weed, and up until recently I was okay with that. This new decade has definitely stirred something in me that I always new was there, but it seems that I wasn’t connecting fast enough to my authentic self that the universe had to push me to “awaken” as some would say.

I use to smoke weed only at night during the week and it would help take the pain from the day away and help me sleep peacefully without having to take anything to assist. If it was the weekend, there a good chance I smoked on and off all day long.

I’ve noticed in the last couple weeks that when I do smoke at night my mind goes very negative very fast. I debate every conversation, every interaction through my day as my heart also seems to beat faster. I haven’t smoked during the day, even on the weekend, for 3 weeks now. I have even skipped a few nights during the week as well.

I’ve been smoking weed longer than I had been drinking. I know I have no desire to smoke weed anymore because I can now see what it is doing to my mindset but the familiarity of weed like a friend you can turn to on a bad day is what I think is going to be the hardest part to give up.

This last year when I was around people who were drinking, I would smoke. It would make my interactions with them seem easier to a degree, but when I really think about it, I was always more in my head when I was high then present in the moment.

I am trying to live a more present life in every single way possible. So going forward I promise to live my most authentic life; being my true self, listening to my heart, my intuition, going with the moments life presents to me, being ok with anything life throws at me, not needing to escape from myself, and being one with the universe.

Going forward I am going to be a completely sober individual inside and out. Not needing anything to numb my pain or hide me from my truth. It has been over 15 years since I have lived without the need to self medicate in someway, 15 years that I have been putting something in my body that tells me I should feel different from what I should be feeling. 15 years since I had to listen to that voice inside my head and not be able to run from myself. 15 freaking years.

I am ready. I am ready to be Sober. I can do this, I can do anything I set my mind too. I am strong, I am a warrior!

The importance of books

There is nothing better than a book that you can turn to during hard times, like an old friend, and also let it teach you and help you grow at the same time.

Books have changed my life. If it wasn’t for my willingness to learn, be better, grow, understand others, try to understand life, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I am 100% positive of that.

5 years ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar, PTSD, OCD, GAD, and panic disorder. My life flipped completely upside down and I lost who I was before my diagnosis. At one point, I was on 8 different meds prescribed by doctors, drinking, popping opioids and any muscle relaxers I could get my hands on, and I was even taking up to 4 Benadryl a day on top of all that because the doctors told me it would help calm my anxiety. My face would go numb and I wouldn’t be able to feel my nose, I had heart palpitations, I was having constant migraines, I couldn’t keep food in my body, and I was always aware that a panic attack could strike at any time. I was admitted to a mental hospital twice. That was my life.

I am so incredibly proud of where I am today. I am completely unmedicated, I work out, I feed my body with good food and vitamins, I have self-care days, I sleep 7 hours a night, I am an entrepreneur, I feel blessed to be alive everyday single day and I honestly hardly feel anxious these days compared to how I use to feel.What was the thing I contribute to me finding peace in this beautifully chaotic world?

Books, books, and more books!

The one book that fundamentally changed my life?The Secret by Rhonda Bryne.Everything in life is what you make of it and your perception of who you are and how life is supposed to be lived is just that; a perception.

Be the person you always wanted someone to be for you!

From this day forward I am a Warrior

I was feeling incredibly weak the last couple days, I ended a 3.5 year unhealthy relationship and I had also gotten taken advantage of from a person I had thought was a friend within 24 hours of ending that relationship. I’ve been in my head a lot as that is all I tend to do is think. Had I still been with my ex, that situation with the friend would’ve never happened. But on the flip side maybe that situation with said friend needed to happen to bring me here today to write my first post.
I had gotten a text this previous Sunday morning at 3 am from a person I haven’t hung out with in over a year but who I stay loosely in contact with a “hey how are you doing” and making sure that they were okay as they had gone through something this year. This person asked if I could come over which surprised me seeing as it was 3 am. I should also note I don’t normally ever stay up this late but with my recent breakup was having a hard time sleeping. I told this person that I was in bed and getting ready to go to sleep. They asked again to which I replied “We can hangout tomorrow, I’ll bring you some coffee and doughnuts or we can get some lunch” this person again persisted that I come over now and that they cant be alone.

Here’s the thing that you guys will learn about me. I’m really into mental health and advocating for those who cant; I try and send uplifting messages to those friends I know who are struggling, I recommend books and podcast that helped me come out of my own darkness, I share the little things I did or changed that could hopefully help someone else. I cant recommend anything I’ve never done personally, maybe it seems some what selfish or full of myself, but I promise my only intention is to help others not feel so alone and helpless in this crazy world surround by others.

Which brings me back to this person. I have sent this person messages, books,podcast etc. I fully believed this person was going through a hard time, and still is despite their actions. Before heading to this persons house I even texted them to make sure this wasn’t a booty call. I’m not really a social person so I don’t typically get booty call texts at 3am or any texts for that matter but regardless I’m a woman and need to make sure that our intentions are the same before I drive 20+ minutes to check on this person.
I arrive at this persons house and within 1 minute of being there I should’ve left, but I didn’t. When I walked into his apartment he picked me up to hug him, first red flag. he put me down and tried to kiss me, to which I know I was taken back and told him “No, I am a friend here to check on another friend” and he insisted he only meant it as a friendly hello kiss. 2nd big red flag. Third red flag? He was drinking.
Now I’ve been sober from alcohol for a little over 14 months. Should I assumed that a text at 3 am meant somebody was drinking? probably..but I didn’t. So we talked for 2.5 hours with not much else happening. We talked about life, had deep spiritual conversations, analyzed the situations we were in etc and then he decided he would try again. He tried touching my arm, I moved it away and then he took his hand and tried to wrap it around my waist.

That was what it took for me to snap. I bitched this man out, voice raised in all, and told him that he was making me uncomfortable and if hes going to preach words about men and respecting woman then he needs to live by those same words. I told him that when he opened the door and greeted me, it was super inappropriate and he has no right to touch me unless I tell him its okay, and it is not. This went on for a solid 5 minutes, voice sternly raised and all. He seemed remorseful and apologized and said he had never thought about it the way I had said and he thanked me for giving him a different perspective. This is when I should’ve left and I didn’t.
We had gone outside for one last cigarette, I had given them up 11 days prior and honestly I just wanted to enjoy one last cigarette without having to go buy a pack and feel like I failed at quitting. This is now the second time in my life where a cigarette has put me in a dangerous situation. The other? I was kidnapped and sexually assaulted . But that’s a story for another day.
We went outside for one last cigarette, walked back inside and I had told him I was leaving and was getting ready to say my goodbyes. I was standing next to him when he started muttering about how we have one life to live and we don’t know how long we’ll be alive, in this moment I was already slightly anticipating something because those aren’t really normal words to say and especially because he seemed to be saying them more to himself than to me. Next thing I know this man lunged at me with both arms wide open. I’m 4’11 and 100lbs, this man is easily over 6 feet and has an easy 100lbs on me. I jumped around his coffee table, honestly I might even of jumped over it because I do remember jumping over something. and around his recliner and be lined for the door. At this point its probably been less than 30 seconds from when he lunged at me, but I had my keys in my hand with my keys poking out through my fingers in case I needed to stab him in the eyeball. I remember that being my distinct thought. I told him to go to bed and I left.
Once I got into my car the anger of the whole situation really hit me. I was angry, hurt, uncomfortable, flabbergasted, my adrenaline was going crazy. He then texted me 3 different times, “Please don’t go” Please just cuddle” “Please” and then I became infuriated at the situation. Why? because of how many times I made me intention clear. Also because I was naive enough to put myself in that situation.
I think its worth mentioning that I didn’t cry over my breakup because I realized our time had come to an end and we both deserved better. But this situation with this “friend” literally destroyed me for the next 48 hours. It’s only Tuesday though so I’m sure there will be more tears this week as I work through this situation in my head. I’m just trying to be strong and learn from this situation vs letting it take control over me, my mind and letting it make me become weak.
Here’s the thing, I’ve thought of myself as a survivor in this world because of the hands I’ve been dealt and I do think I’ve come a lot further than somebody else in my shoes would have though I will never know. I’ve had many things happen that I could use as an excuse to never grow as a person and continue making mistakes and blaming in on my past. I’m not here on this earth to live to the standards of others, I am not just another person, I am not just a survivor, I am a warrior. That is what I am; A warrior. And from this point going forward, I will do my best to fight, protect, spread awareness, kill stigmas, live authentically and let the world know of my experience and thoughts because I do think they could help someone some day if even its not to make the same mistakes I once made.
Till next time
“Recognize that you are not the experiences that you believe to have shaped you as such”
With love, Krista